One of the biggest decisions I have ever made was when my ex-husband and I had divorced. It had been a trying time. In fact, I wasn’t in a good place. I’d been suffering depression, mostly due to an imbalance of hormones, some realizations on some choices made and its impact on me, and to a situation with another family member that interfered with my marriage. The decision I made was that when Luis and I divorced, I let Luis be the primary custodial parent in our joint custody.
I got married when I was 22. My ex-husband, Luis, he was 19. We hadn’t got married because of our son. We got married because we honestly did love each other. However, as much as I wanted it to be one of those everlasting marriages, much like my maternal grandparents, it wasn’t to be.
I did have a good job and was still working my WordPress web design and development work. I was still taking care of my son, but I had a problem. I just couldn’t get out of the funk I was in. I had never felt like this before. It was like I was a muted version of myself.
Sometimes I wouldn’t go out to do things and my ex-husband thrived on going and discovering new places. I did too, but at that time, I was having a lot of internal problems. We never had a problem with sex. I’ve always been very . I just wasn’t giving him the other side of me that he had fallen in love with… the one to take action and go places, the one to be outgoing and happy. Don’t get me wrong I loved him and I loved my son.
The problem was, I was falling into an abyss where I didn’t know if I loved myself anymore. I’ve never thrived on people telling me that I was gorgeous or beautiful. I was a tomboy and often referred to as seeming untouchable to others due to the fact I was to immersed into working or whatever I decided to direct my passions to.
I was still discovering myself and yes, Luis helped in that. This is why we are still friends. At this point in time, the only place after being divorced was to move out and move into my parent’s house until I could find my own place. It was also out of much needed comfort and knowing I needed the help. My job paid enough that I could have moved into an apartment right away, but I was hurting in ways I wasn’t able to understand.
…And I knew I couldn’t bring Angel with me, especially into that situation. I agonized over the decision. I didn’t want Angel to think I was abandoning him like my own mother did to siblings and I had. I wasn’t a drug addict like my mother had been, but I knew that her decision to cope with depression was to use drugs until she no longer cared about anything. I couldn’t cope with this stagnant and muted persona I had fallen into.
Of course, for many months, I cried on and off because Angel wasn’t always in the room or in the next room. I couldn’t go and see his cute little sleeping face whenever I wanted. I couldn’t sing him to sleep or hug him whenever I could. Now, Luis has never kept Angel from me, and has worked with me, but still… not having him with me nearly killed me.
…Until I got help. Depression is not something that you can call someone crazy. It takes counseling and sometimes even medication to get it right. I’ve been through a lot of crap all my life and have had to keep it bottled in for a long time. I’ve had to come face to face with personal decisions that have interfered with what I’ve been taught was acceptable to “normal” society. I’ve had to get over a LOT of anger.
While my decision was difficult, I think its been the best decision. I’ve gotten myself back on track, and my son is happy and loved.
Note: Yes, the pics are bad. I’m not great at taking pictures and had a terrible web cam. It didn’t help that I resized some of these as well. These pictures were taken between 2005 and 2006.