Pixelled

Nile's pixelated life

Maybe Your Friend Doesn’t Need a Wingman for Dating

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Just because your friend or family member is single, doesn’t it mean that you push other single or semi-single people on them, in hopes that they’d date. A for effort. F for execution. Ask first.

Sure, it’s nice to date someone, but it’s better on your own terms, rather than a friend or family member pushing another person on you, when your permission wasn’t given.

And definitely don’t push strangers from the bar on your single friends and family, because in most cases, it’s not going to be dating, and it’ll be a brief meaningless connection. Some of us single people don’t do hookups anymore, because we’re looking for something a little more substantial.

And for me, I get that the general intentions are good, but if I’m interested, I usually don’t need a wingman (or lady.) Others may be more shy, but still… get consent before throwing your single friends and family at others.

I realize people care, and want to see me happy, but I am actually happy by myself. Eventually I’ll be able to share that with someone else, at the right time. My happiness isn’t based on being with someone.

The Sad Act of Giving that Comes with Secret Terms

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I’ve always understood the term “Indian giving” as something that was given, but was taken back unfairly. It’s frowned on. It’s somewhat similar to there with being given something, and it being held over your head, when the giver isn’t in agreement with you on something completely dumb.

Just to be a little more correct on the term, Indian giver is:

Indian giver is an American expression, used to describe a person who gives a “gift” and later wants it back, or who expects something of equivalent worth in return for the item.

Wikipedia – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver


The Wikipedia article is actually pretty good, if you want to know a little bit more about the history of how that term came to be.

So, back to the issue…

If I’m giving something, I’d like it with no secret expectations or it being a coupon to be bitched at, on a later date. I’m grateful for a lot of things in my life, but for some, I can’t do anything right, and it’s stressful when people don’t look things up and find out the facts, but want to turn to petty behavior.

The term Indian giver or Indian giving, has changed a little over the years, and usually not used much for younger crowds. For me, if I’m giving something, I expect nothing in return. For the most part, I don’t have problems with people, as they are appreciative.

For the few that I do have issues with, it’s just been agonizing. It makes me look over my shoulder, and wonder: “So, when the next petty disagreement comes, am I going to get snapped at?”

How am I to know, when I walk into a situation, that someone had a bad day? I don’t, unless I’m being told.

At my age, I’m kind of tired of having to experience this with grown adults. You either give something and be happy, or don’t. Don’t make it a coupon towards a future bitch fest. Grow the fuck up!

Life is already rough for a lot of people. It’s the same thing as dangling a carrot in front of a horse, except you already gave it to the horse, but beat them anyway. It’s toxic and wrong.

What I’m usually guilty with, in this situation, is throwing back a reminder of what I have given.

Example Scenario

Scenario starts with an okay scene with conversation, until the other person says something that is false.

Me: “But if you look it up, you will see you need the things that we were talking about. If you don’t have it, then you won’t be able to do what you want to, in that situation.

Other Person: “You’re wrong. I can do this. You just want to argue and be right.”

Me: “It’s not about me being right. It’s just the facts. You will find out for yourself.”

Other Person: You’re wrong! You’re always treating me like shit. I should make you give back that thing that cost me a lot of money. You’re lucky I’m not doing that!

Me: “You’re lucky I haven’t given or gone out of my way to do things for you when you needed my help.”

My addition at the end of that conversation wasn’t needed, and should stop. In fact, the whole conversation was wrong. Instead, I should’ve sent information to them, and said to read that when they had time, so they knew what they needed.

The act of giving should never come with secret terms. It’s an act of love and friendship that should be cherished. In these times, with so many people, there’s so much pain, hate, and anger. If we can stop putting a price tag on the precious things that truly matter, we’d be better off.

Setting Boundaries

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When I opened myself to the possibility of new love, in the past, I failed one thing: setting boundaries. I’m human, so I will make mistakes. In the past few years, I started setting boundaries.

Sure, sometimes setting them kinda of hurt. It’s the hurt like a petulant child having a tantrum over candy that they’ve been begging their parent to buy them. Instead of a parent, it’s been myself that has denied, well, by myself.

What kind of things did I set boundaries for?

Well, in the beginning, when I wasn’t looking for a solid long term relationship, I set simple things down, that coincide with my morals at the time:

  • Always ask potential partners about sexual history. Most this to make sure they were clean (No sexually transmitted diseases) and when the last time they were tested.
  • I can talk to them and carry on an intelligent conversation. I’m turned off if a guy has no brain or some semblance of culture.
  • If the guy is pushy, immediately say no, and walk away. Even if a guy has a nice smile, and has nice touches, if I said no and they kept doing it, they are being too forward. I’ve often found that they don’t care about consent.
  • I wouldn’t date anyone beyond 10 years older or 10 years younger. Sounds silly, but I’m uncomfortable with dating anyone that is severely younger or older.

So, those were a few boundaries I established a few years ago.

After getting bored with friends with benefits and a few hookups, I decided to try my hand again in the dating pool. However, mind you, I was starting to date again at 36. Prior to my dalliance years, I had long term relationships. Sure, the ending hurt the most, but I had a lot of great memories.

I loved traveling, going to concerts, discovering new things during intimate moments, conversing, and more. When I’m in a relationship, I really commit to taking care of the person I’m with. I usually expect an equal return, in and out of the bedroom.

Of course, since then, I’ve come across all sorts of people with their own personal agendas. Usually it’s the “thirsty as fuck” crowd, that they woo with words, and then, “wham, bam, buh-bye ma’am.” A lot of these types of guys bring unwelcome drama and irritation.

So, when I started dating again, I added more boundaries:

  • No hookups. I’m looking to date only.
  • I’m okay with sex on the first date, but honestly, I’d like to steer clear of it for a while. Some people can still have relationships after having sex, but in most cases, this could just end things.
  • Give 3-4 months to see each other, and then ask if they would like to commit to adding a label, like girlfriend and boyfriend. For me, this is important, as it’s solidifies commitment, and eliminates any confusion.
  • If I feel we’re in some type of competition, it’s a no go. I’ve accomplished a lot, in my life, and so have others. I like to hear other’s stories, but when we’re measuring penises, I can’t even think of a guy as dating material anymore. And it makes me wonder if there’s an underlying issue, if bragging is the only thing fueling the conversation.
  • If sex is had early on, be firm on reminding the other party about what I’m looking for and ask them to think about what they want.
  • Be a friend and let them go, if they really aren’t that into me. Sex might be decent, but it’s not worth heartache to me, if I can’t have my feeling reciprocated.

These last ones have helped.

Exhibit A in Sticking to Set Boundaries

I was in a relationship with a guy, and we did have sex early on. I really felt comfortable with him, and he seemed like he was interested in more. I had explained early on about what I wanted and set my boundary. In fact, it took several months of him pursuing me, to even agree to meet up with him.

I reminded him after the second month about my boundaries. Honestly, I was getting a bit shaky on what was going on, as our communication started to dwindle to when the next time I would be around. When we did have any conversations, he indicated wanting to do things in the future with me, like go on trips and such. I enjoyed our conversation and banter. Additionally, he was a huge cuddler. In my past hookups, and friends with benefit situations, NONE of them cuddled. My ex-husband even barely cuddled. I do like good cuddling. 😉

At the third month, after feeling some mixed signals, I decided to lay all my cards down and be upfront. I needed to know what he wanted. While the interest seemed to be there, in the end, he wasn’t on the same page. He wanted to just go have trips, including a trip where I’d be staying at my parent’s home. My dad is a little traditional, so with this guy, with no commitment to me, other than we roll around in the sheets, it wouldn’t fly if I just brought him in to stay with my folks. Like “Hey, dad, here’s my friend. We just need one room.”

I realize too, from talking with him, that while his “like” could’ve been genuine, he also said he wasn’t ready to date. That’s acceptable and valid. I’m not one to force someone into anything if they aren’t ready or even if they aren’t “that” into me.

I decided, even though it hurt me some, that it was better to step back into a regular friend role. I wished him well, said I would cheer him on, as he had some personal demons to battle, and then, I let him go. I honestly did care for this particular guy, as I know he does have a good heart. I just think he’s gone through a lot of tough and hurtful times, but I had to protect myself, by letting him go.

The lesson was that I stuck to my boundaries. If I would’ve just kept giving and giving, I would’ve become more invested, and in the end, hurt myself a lot.

For a lot of people, setting boundaries is difficult, because they are rules that often, are the most challenging. They help keep a person in check and from not selling out, as well as keep them away from major heartache.