I signed the divorce and custody papers on Thursday, March 8. It really sucked and once I was done, I left in a hurry. I did not want Luis to see me cry or even have the satisfaction of seeing it. After some discussion with my father, he feels that Luis had been deciding this for quite some time… not since December 2006. The nagging to find a job, the put downs, the brush offs… it kind of makes sense. Luis has been using me as a ticket into this country and it would not matter anymore as he has a permanent residency status for the next 10 years.
I could care less if Luis reads this. It has taken a lot of careful thought. If he really had loved me, this would not have happened. If he would have even had thoughts about it, he would have discussed it with me. He did not and it goes to show how much he loved and trusted me.
I am not going to be bitter. I have seen too many instances in my life and others to see how people are used. I am hurt. It is a true blow to my own esteem. Yes, some people say I am pretty, but it is hard to feel that way when I had to really beg for a kiss from my husband. It was almost pathetic. Luis excuses are not even grounds for a divorce nor have I deserved it. Oh yes, Luis is not dumb. So, if Luis is reading this blog… great job. You really fooled a lot of people for some time…. and now that it is out, how many people will think good of you? Not many.
I am appalled that he convinced himself to call me a failure as a mother. I was there for my son and even when I was depressed, I was still there and still interacted when I was not so numb and closed off. It has taken a lot of work and I have come through it.
If I am wrong about it, then I guess I will have to apologize for my assumations… however, there is a lot of evidence pointing to being used. I will not take Luis back if he has been with another woman (well, at least if he goes to get checked out first and comes out clean.) I will not take him back unless he agrees to counselling on both a couples and individual level. A few friends suggested that he might have a change of heart and these things came to mind, but pretty much, unless he can improve and accept me for me, then I do not see anything between us. He failed our family and for me, that is not only against my family code of honor for generations, but disloyal. For me loyalty is everything. I grew up having a hard time trusting people. I married him fully trusting him. I no longer do.
I appreciate all the wonderful suggestions/ advice, well wishes and other comments through this ordeal. If I get with another guy, no matter who, I will set my standards and they better be met or the guy will not get the time of day.
On a lighter note, I got Angel for the weekend. I bought him some clothes for the times he will be with me. It was wonderful to have him. I missed him all week. I took a few pics on my phone and hope to get it all loaded and update my pics section as soon as I can. I am trying to get at least dial-up on my laptop because out where my folks live, no one offers any DSL and the cable internet only extends to about 500 yards from my father’s property. It sucks, but I can deal. I dealt with it when we had that fire almost 2 years ago.